On this blog, I will share thoughts on spirituality, mental health, and recovery, as well as some writings.

Welcome to my new blog! I am Mike, a person in recovery. I struggled with depression & anxiety for about 18 years now. Often it was severe enough that I used alcohol to self-medicate. I realized I’ve been sober about half of that 18 years but its been a constant struggle. My spiritual journey is a literal matter of life and death to me. Without it, I will eventually destroy myself with alcohol because the pain of existing in this world is too much without a perspective that allows me to let it all go. I hope to share that with you in an authentic way here.

Meaning of two shadows

Why the title Two Shadows? I recently visited the Zen Center of Denver to expand my practice. I did my first zazen meditation, which is done eyes open. Very different for me! I was facing the wall and noted there were two shadows on the wall due to different light sources. So many different thoughts came to mind! One of the spiritual teachers I love is Baba Ram Dass, another is Father Richard Rohr. Ram Dass would speak of it as living on two planes of consciousness, as Christ said, “In the world, not of the world.” Rohr would describe it as true self and false self. The false self being the ego-identified self of “reality” as we know it. The true self being the transcendent, spiritual self. “False self” is a misnomer. It is in fact real; we just believe in it too much. There is more truth to be found in the true self, but it exists in conjunction with the false self. As Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) would say, they “inter-are.” One does not exist without the other. If those two shadows on the wall were imbued with the kind of consciousness we have as humans, they may believe themselves to be separate from each other, possibly each considering themselves to be the true reality and superior to the other. Of course their separateness is an illusion. They are united by the one unified body that allows them both to be.

The shadows call to mind another important concept – impermanence. That idea is very central to Buddhist teaching and very important to me personally. The shadows briefly came into existence when I sat and were extinguished as soon as I stood up (or tried to given that my legs had fallen asleep from sitting cross-legged for 25 minutes). I believed my suffering was permanent. Any brief breaks from it would eventually lead me back to it, and that thought alone made life unbearable. Many are familiar with the Buddhist teaching – In this life, there is suffering. Made plenty sense to me, but I was one of many who just stopped there. Had I kept inquiring, I would have learned that the Buddha also taught there are causes, an ending to, and a path out of our suffering! These are The Four Noble Truths. Like everything else, suffering was not only impermanent but can be the very thing that leads us to joy! I got a harsh lesson in impermanence last year with the death of my father. Much of my future musings will be around that concept of impermanence.

There is a finally meaning to two shadows. As any Doctor Who fan knows, seeing two shadows means you are about to die. The Vastha Nerada cause the second shadow and will soon strip all the flesh off your body! Memento mori was my final lesson from those two shadows, a reminder of my own impermanence and what a gift the present moment is!

I look forward to sharing some of my present moments with you!

Ram Dass – “Be Here Now!”